Waaaaaa!

Let me just clarify that this blog is about ME - and my journey parenting a child with type 1 diabetes. My daughter is Awesome, yes with a capital A. Some people might say I'm awesome too, capital A optional, in large part because I "am strong". I don't need to pat myself on the back, but in sum, I'm able to hold myself together pretty well (for contrary evidence, of course, see blog from last week about crying at the gym...). I cannot be down in the dumps all the time because it wouldn't be good for ANY of us. Life is what it is, our circumstances are what they are, moving on. C'est la vie. I don't speak French, but I think that applies here, right?

But.... every now and then, being a surrogate pancreas does catch up to me - and today is one of those days. In reality, there are a confluence of things. 1. I'm tired; 2. This morning during a very mundane dance move at a work out class, I tweaked my already screwed up right hip so much that I cannot even walk normally; and, 3. among other daily "life" events - diabetes threw us for a curve ball today and I'm just SICK of IT! I won't go into it too much, but, long story short, because her blood sugar had been too high for too long, I had to go to K's preschool and change her pump - during lunch time  - and so she couldn't eat the carbs (ie yummy things) in her lunch until much later. When I got to her, she was noshing on her celery and in fine spirits, but I felt so bad as her lunch box was wide open and the mango and peanut butter pretzels were just staring at her, as if saying "ha ha you can't eat us!" I took out the rest of the celery from the box, then closed the lid and pushed it aside. I went to the director's office to change the pump (without K during this task) and, during the course of our conversation, she said something to the effect, "I don't know how you do it." She then held and distracted K as I put in her new pump inset (without numbing because I needed her BG to come down immediately, not after waiting 30 minutes for the spot to be numb from lidocaine cream).

I had about 20 minutes before I picked up the carpool, so I had time to go to Starbucks and feel sorry for myself. How do I do it? Diabetes management suck so much ass. Maybe K's strength is what keeps me strong. I dunno, but today, nothing can lift me up (certainly not my right hip...) I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of diabetes always on my mind! I'm tired of anticipating the phone calls from school and getting anxious if it's 10:06 when I normally get the call at 10:02. I'm tired of putting the kids to bed, yet continually remind myself to check her "soon" once we know she's asleep. I'm tired of staying up late - and tired of waking up at 3 AM most nights out of the week - to check her BG. I'm tired of counting and weighing carbs. I've never been able to diet religiously because I hate counting and logging calories - now I do a very similar thing, but for my 5 year old. I'm tired of telling my daughter to wash her hands so we can check her BG, and tired of telling her she has to wait to eat. I'm tired of carrying her black bag everywhere we go. I'm tired of guesswork and trying to understand it (like when she was close to low last Sunday before bed after a VERY high carb birthday meal for and I knew she'd go high, so I had to argue with my husband who wanted to give her sugar because she was close to low and had a ton of insulin "on board". He luckily listened to me - and I was right, sadly. She was later in the 300s for too long.) I'm just tired of it all. But I press on for the fear of diabetes related complications down the road, and normally, I even do so with a smile on my face. But not today.